Milk - ‘The shite stuff’

“MILK IS DEADLY!”, “MILK IS THE NATURAL PRODUCE OF THE DEVIL"!, “DRINK MILK AND EXPECT DEATH!”, “DON’T DRINK MILK ‘CAUSE YOU’LL DIE!”.

It’s all true, folks. If you’ve ever drunk milk, you’ve got a 100% chance of dying some day. Yes, that’s right, milk is a guaranteed killer. Need proof? I’ve got a double whammy of proof for you, in both the form of a few graphs and an anagram. Sure, facts and figures are all well and good…but anagrams never lie. So how does it work? It’s simple really. Milk is rich in a super harmful toxin called calcium. Deposits of calcium and other such minerals in the endothelium of the arteries leads to arteriosclerosis; and nobody likes coronary heart disease. This then, clearly means that we’re all doomed and are going to die a deadly death of doom, ‘cause the heart is like kind of important and stuff. The link is clear.


Source A
This was published recently in the popular monthly agricultural magazine ‘Barmy For Farming’. They always tell the truth. What they did was simple. They recorded all the deaths they knew of, including celebrities, and investigated the causes of their passing. Shockingly, they found that each and every death was in some way as a result of milk related activity. Mostly drinking, although some more obscure circumstances were found, such as Michael Jackson injecting milk into his skin to fulfil his desire for whiteness. We’ll play along and pretend it was Vitiligo though. To conclude, human mortality is milk.

Milk's gonna getcha!

Source B
As if any more conclusive evidence was necessary, we have some anyway. Under development for a couple of laborious decades, ex milkman and current Oxford University biology lecturer Callum Cium has finally produced and perfected his theory (truth) on our creamy killer. Using a deceptively complex scale of just two integers, Cal found that on his patented scale of ‘1 to Death’ milk is death. Seriously.

Hi-tech stuff, this.

See?! There’s no hiding from the harsh reality that cows are the spawn of Satan, single-handedly contributing to the demise of mankind.


Source C
Consider this. Milk is white. Skulls are also white. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

An artistically drawn 'skull' (bottle of milk)

Any chance of survival?
Any soul with an ounce of mental wherewithal should be quaking in their boots at this point. You’re probably wondering if there’s any way for you to be saved, now that you’ve come to terms with the error of your ways in drinking milk. I’m afraid there’s no cure. You will die. Whereas approximately 98% of all lactose intolerants will never die. I know, it’s really rather unfair. Ever wonder why the ‘Make mine milk’ advert (seen on buses and billboards) changes faces so often? It’s because after every photo-shoot, the featured famous person perishes. Sorry Harry Potter fans, but Rupert Grint is no more…that’s the price you pay for pissing around with a milky moustache. Careless.

Before I bid thee farewell, I’ll leave you with the aforementioned eye-opening anagram. I’ll warn you, this is some scary shit. In the words of the infamous Ron Burgundy…’milk was a bad choice’. A very bad one indeed.


Heartily milk    I kill my heart

I’ll see you on the udder side…