Ryvita…the back-story

Whole-grain? NO. Rock’N’Roll-grain.

In the beginning, God created heaven and earth. And the earth had no form. It was empty, covered with darkness and water. Then the spirit of God hovered over the water, and God said “Let there be light!”, and there was light. God saw that the light was good. Let us skip the next few days…for the bit that your Bibles probably missed out was the glorious creation of Ryvita. On the 7th day, upon waking up prematurely from what can only be described as a rest of holy proportions, God saw that the world was missing something. There was a distinct lack of healthy wholegrain crisp-breads on the market… And so God declared “Let there be Ryvita!” (the brand name of course loosely deriving from the superlative ‘riveting’), and there was Ryvita. Yet it was not good; it was bad. For in the world already existed cardboard, so Ryvita had no purpose… For years the earth was shrouded in a cloud of misery. The mystery surrounding Ryvita’s existence dumbfounded all but the tiniest of creatures, and even they had a hunch that something was amiss. After witnessing his creation fail, God had found himself in a world of pain. He battled with wave after wave of chronic depression, and removed the powers of creation from his very bosom. The world would never be the same, and boy, did the world know it… That was until some absolute genius decided to place a small slither of cheese with a thin layer of butter on top of the dry Ryvita base! The result was simply divine. The earth and its inhabitants now had a purpose – something to live for. God recovered, thankfully never having to resort to electro-convulsive therapy, and was immensely proud of the perfection that surrounded all that lived. Ryvita was the saviour…and God saw that it was good.

Since then, we’ve never looked back. Ryvita has become a worldwide phenomenon; adored by the masses. Here are some facts that you DEFINITELY already know about Ryvita, but may like to have refreshed in your mind regardless:

1. Ryvita is the only word in the universe, spanning all lexica, that can take the form of a noun, verb, adjective and adverb simultaneously.
2. Julius Caesar’s favourite meal consisted of roast peacock, grapes and Ryvita.
3. Crushing a Ryvita is an offence punishable by death in over 20 of the world’s countries.
4. The Millennium Falcon was powered by a powerful concoction of char-grilled Ryvita and Wookie hair.
5. All of The Beatles’ songs were written by Lord Ryvita, a mythical being to represent the Ryvita population. All but ‘Yellow Submarine’, that is. His omnipotence would never lend his name to such an irritating song.
6. Ryvita killed the dinosaurs. Allergic reactions can be a royal bugger…
7. Ryvita is better than sliced bread.
8. ‘Ryvita’ is believed to be ancient Japanese slang for ‘All bow down to our master’.
9. Successfully eating Ryvita with chopsticks immediately grants a person with 1,000 life points.
10. Facebook was invented by Lord Ryvita after he found himself bored of laughing at and admiring his own life stories.
11. Freddie Mercury’s middle name was ‘Ryvita’.
12. Lord Ryvita only drinks Jack Daniels, nothing more. Through a curly straw.
13. The act of sex is seen as a way of paying tribute to Ryvita in most Eastern cultures.
14. Dipped in a mug of hot chocolate, it is said that Ryvita will grow arms and legs.

The legend is plain and clear to see. Never has a single foodstuff been cooler. Not even Jay-Z’s coxal bone is as hip as this. I suggest you go do the right thing and buy yourself some Ryvita now…

Thank you.

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Career Prospects

Looming ahead of me is the daunting figure of university application. This just all seems too soon. I’ve only (inadequately) completed one of two years of college and I don’t really have a very good grasp of what I want to be doing in the future; not what course I want to be applying for at uni, and certainly not where I want to be taking it. There’s really not much time left for me at all to decide. So what do I do? I ask around, in search of advice. There’s a lot of help out there. If there’s one thing that’s absolutely clear, it’s that I should make sure to do something I enjoy and am interested in in the future. If there’s one thing that’s even more absolutely and painfully clear, it’s that anything I could consider myself having an interest in or a genuine desire to take up in the future, is (un)comfortably out of my reach due to lacking qualifications thanks to errors in my A-Level choices. Bit of a bugger, really. Then again, the careers I’d love to see myself in, several years down the line, are rather optimistic to say the least. They’re pipe dreams – and I’m not saying that I want to become a plumber. Har-de-fucking-har. I’m pretty pathetic to be honest. I’ve currently set myself up for a career in psychology in some way. This is fine; in fact it’s more than fine, but it’s not perfect. I do quite like psychology and I do find it interesting and engaging to at least some degree. And that’s exactly the point - ‘to at least some degree’. All I know I’m doing right now is misguidedly aiming my bow and arrow of career choice towards the general direction of psychology and hoping that I hit a random course at a random university in a random location in the country. It’s hardly going to be a bull’s-eye. At this rate it literally will just be ‘some degree’. Are my other options at all feasible though? Well to put it bluntly, no… It’s a bloody mixed bag though. Let’s take a look at what my silly little mind is thinking then, listed in order of feasibility:

1. Sports/entertainment journalist. This one’s the one that bugs me like a…bug. Bugs don’t particularly bug me though – in fact I actually quite like bugs… Fuck you, Ben. Anyway. This option seemed kind of obvious to me for a while, because I seem to get a lot of enjoyment from writing; hence this very (shitty) blog. I opted against taking either one of the English subjects at AS and A2 level though, so I wouldn’t have any ground to stand on if I ever wanted to change my mind and just go for it. Perhaps things like sport and entertainment, and even writing are best kept as hobbies for me anyway.
2. Comedy writer/actor. This one sounds silly, and it most likely is, but one of if not the biggest passion in my life right now is comedy. I fucking love comedy. I’ve got ongoing ideas for a sketch show in the pipeline, which is a joke but at the same time…I really would love to do it. It’d be incredibly speculative to even bother attempting going down this route, but I guess it’s nice to have the scripts and sketch ideas there as a bit of fun. People always used to think I should go down the route of comedy in some way, shape or form (most people suggested stand-up, but there’s no way you’ll ever catch me doing that. I’d cack myself silly) but to be honest, it’s not a realistic option. The fact that 'I have this down as my second most feasible potential path says just about everything you need to know about how limited my true options are.
3. Lawyer. Thinking about this bores me. What a snoozefest…the money is of course a massive incentive, but after learning about law for over a year now, I can’t say I’m particularly enthused. It costs a fucking bomb, too.
4. Band member. And so the absolute non-credible careers come into play. I’ve always wanted to be in a band, but I don’t play a musical instrument… My twattish perfectionist self has always given up before I’ve even had a chance to learn a single note when learning to play an instrument. Apparently I can sing, though this is entirely questionable. My voice has changed a little since doing The Magic Flute when I was 10… I do have a light plan in place with a few mates to set up a band as a mere hobby – though there is one problem. The drummer would be a drummer, the guitarist would be a guitarist, and the bassist would be a bassist…if I were to be the vocalist…well, I’m not a fucking vocalist. The only thing I can offer (in the same way that a small untrained puppy offers plentiful and well-spread shit and piss to everywhere other than where they should be making a mess) is my appalling song-writing skills. I’m best left listening to music; not making it.
5. Inventor. I always loved the idea of inventing crazy things when I was younger. So what do I have to my name so far? Shit all. My desire has recently been fuelled by an interesting idea I recently came up with in cahoots with a friend…what would that be? That would be telling, that’s what it’d be.
6. Footballer. I like football and stuff. Blah. Can I kick it? No, funnily enough, I can’t.

So yeah, Ben Jenkins is going down the road of psychology. “Fascinating stuff, isn’t it?” he said deeply sarcastically, with the expression of a dull-faced boulder. Ideally, I’d like to become a professional procrastinator, but I think I’d leave it too late… Mindfuck. The thing is though, I don’t find myself caring about what I do in the future – I’m pretty much forcing myself to write this blog post in the vain hope that I undergo some form of mental transformation. I guess the only thing that worries me is that after bearing such high expectations from my parents for my entire life, I can’t hide from the fact that now it’s getting into the real world, I’m going to be a disappointment. Cheery times, chow for now!

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