Modern art? 'Modern Shart' more like...

Bloody hell, is this something I could go on and on and on about. I won't though. I promise. (Sorry, I was crossing my fingers. First school pupil behaviour for the win.) First things first, if you don't know what a 'shart' or 'sharting' is, I suggest you look it up on http://www.urbandictionary.com/ and have a quiet little snigger to yourself, like a little child. Go on. Informed? Excellent, let's begin. Modern art is a hopeless excuse for art. Now I'm no artist myself, and I'm never going to claim to being an art critic or expert. In this case I certainly can't be something that I'm blatantly not. After all, you can't polish a turd. Will Shakespeare's words, no? For me, a personal achievement art wise is successfully drawing a stick man. Oh yes, I've screwed those up before, and no I'm not proud of it. Able to come out with high class critique I am not, but I can still use a combination of my eyes and innate common sense to determine whether something required much skill to make. Proper art, in all its forms except one, such as paintings or sculptures, takes skill. A hell of a lot of it.  Patience, too. Modern art though? I find it nearly indescribable. It's just surreal. My initial reaction to seeing a piece of so called 'modern art' is 9 times out of 10, something along the lines of 'What the fuck is that?!'. Or if I'm tired, it'll be a simple facial expression of disgust. Maybe even a hand gesture. By all means challenge me on this claim, but I truly believe that even I could make myself a sweet fortune with modern art. You've just got to get lucky, and then make up a particularly wordy back-story to the obviously hideous shit-pile that you're championing. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think I should give up college, put everything down that I'm doing and just let my creative juices flow. By this I mean, bodily juices. All of them. I'll find a nice large canvas, place it on the floor and proceed to shit, piss, bleed, vomit, ejaculate, sneeze, salivate and maybe even ooze pus onto it. I'll then pick up a stick, swirl it all around a bit, and hey presto/viola - you've got some bloody brilliant modern art right there. I'll call it 'The embodiment of bodily fluids'. Then all I've got to do is say how it perfectly stimulates the feelings of deep emotional troubles in a person, while at the same time displaying delicate hints of hope and happiness in the face of extra-terrestrial repression. And that the colour scheme gracefully reflects the notion of feeling too hungry to eat any more, but then desperately wanting to eat more of that food in a couple of hours time, when it's too late and the food is unobtainable. As an added note, I'd also like to say that I love how the intricate swirl trails left by the stick, symbolise undying passionate love for a family pet who's facing impending death. Something along those lines, methinks.  It'll be such a hit, surely? From what I've cannily observed, no skill is required to earn a crust (or a million of 'em) through producing and selling modern art, so surely I'll be successful? I know I'm right. I'm not being arrogant, I'm just looking at the precedent that's been set, and coming to the plainly obvious conclusion that my work can in some (sick and twisted way) be regarded as artistic genius. Takes a lot of thought, planning, and skill, that does. There's NO WAY that it's merely a case of the system being fucked up...

I'm a Celebrity

Well, I'm not, but I think you all know that I was referring to the reality TV show. 'I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here' is definitely a guilty pleasure of mine. I know it's incredibly cheap, and quite lower class television, but frankly, I can't deny that it's entertaining. I've (mostly) unashamedly watched it avidly for the past few years now, and it's been pretty good. The past couple of series however, I found myself wanting something more, because the same old stuff being churned out year on (including Katie Price, aka 'Jordan') gets pretty boring pretty quickly. Not that Katie Price ever was or ever will be interesting, mind. It was getting incredibly stale though. Personally I thought they should reboot the format of the show, or end it altogether. But no, it's simpler than that. How do you make a once appealing but now fading show quality television again? The answer's Gillian McKeith. Wowzers. What to say about this woman? I can't say I've ever been particularly fond of her - mainly because as far as first impressions go, looking like a Scottish interpretation of death itself and examining people's shit doesn't go down particularly well. Nor so is she much of a 'celebrity'. But hey, she's actually one of more well known faces in the camp this year. Lord help us. Let us cast this initial impression of her aside then, and at least try and take her for who she really is. Right, I'm ready now, I'll give it a go. Let's see what she's made herself look like. A terrified, jumpy, whining, ghastly, irritating, pathetic, feeble, hunchbacked excuse of a human being. That's what she is. The feeling of knowing exactly who the public have voted to partake in the 'Bushtucker Trial' day in, day out, is really quite refreshing. And very funny indeed. 'I'm A Celeb', as I'll now call it for the sake of saving marginal amounts of time (oh look, I've now wasted more anyway through explaining), is a rare breed of television of programme. That, and The Apprentice, are pretty much the only two shows that have the uncanny ability of making me genuinely hate somebody that I've never even met, and will (luckily) probably never meet. Her list of phobias is endless. The list of things I dislike about her is endless. Surely she should be put down? Even better, maybe before the series' end, good ol' Shaun Ryder will have had enough and pummelled her into the dirt - cigarette in ham-fisted hand, complete with frequent swearing. That would make my da-...no, it would make my we-...no, it would make my mon-...no, it would make my ye-...no...look, the point is that I'd love for it to happen. Oh, and on live TV? Yes please. Going back roughly 60 words, you're right, I do mean Shaun Ryder. Y'know, that plump 'musically talented' Northerner who spent most of the 1990s awake. The man that collaborated with Gorillaz for a song, in which his inability to pronounce 'there' led to the title of the song actually being changed. And who for that same song, when performing live at Glastonbury earlier this year alongside Damon Albarn and co, had to have a sheet with the lyrics on. What a pro'. You may think that's sarcasm, but I love the man. He's just such a character. But anyway. I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here is just a bit of a guilty pleasure of mine. Go on, judge me! If it wasn't for Gillian or Shaun though, I probably wouldn't be interested. I should probably give a special mention to those two short Geordie lads. Annoying? Maybe. Funny? Yes. I reckon without Ant and Dec, that show would have collapsed a fair while ago. It's on its last legs anyway. Maybe call it a day after this series? I think it's fair to say that we all want Gillian's fantastic 'faint' to be remembered as a final high point for the show. Not seen the incident? My goodness, it's pure TV gold.

Check it out for yourself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNofgJw3azM

The Use of a Dictionary

Think of a dictionary as a horrifically wordy bank of...erm...words. It's a place for words to be catalogued, ordered, and defined. That's what it does. So why oh why oh why, do we get this scenario:
"I don't know how to spell this word. I better search for it in the dictionary".
No. That's wrong. To find a word in the dictionary, you need to be able to know how to spell it. So therefore, if you don't know how to spell a certain word, you're probably going to run into a bit of trouble when it comes to finding it. Yes, admittedly, if the bit you're unsure about is towards the end of the word, you'll find it easier, but that doesn't change the fact that you're just doing 'dictionary' wrong. I remember countless times in primary school being told to search for a word in the dictionary if I didn't know how to spell it, and it drove my little brain mad. To be honest, it just made me think that the teacher didn't know how to spell the word themselves, so they threw at me any tool that looked (to a stupid kid) like it could potentially be of some use. It's incompetence. As a teacher, your job is to teach me, and if you can't satisfy the demands of what, a silly little 6 year old child? You suck. It'd be like going to a garage because your car has a problem with it's engine. You engage in conversation with one of the mechanics, only to find that actually, his recommendation for you is that you spray the engine with de-icer and hope for the best.

"It's related to a car, so hopefully they'll believe me when I tell them it'll work. Oh, and spray it yourself."
To me, this scenario is much the same as:
"It's related to words, so hopefully you'll believe me when I tell you it'll work. Oh, and find it yourself."

I feel as though I have a point. Grrrrrrrrrr, screw you, teachers. However, do not screw your teachers. This isn't Waterloo Road. This is real life, and bloody hell does it have a lot of crap to show us.

Formspring

What a peculiar little website Formspring is. Firstly, I'm going to go ahead and just chuck out there the fact that I have literally no idea why the site is called 'Formspring'. I don't see any forms around, and I certainly don't see any springs. Baffling stuff. Call it what you like, it's still a pretty good (I use the word 'good' very loosely here) site.The basic premise of Formspring, wait no, the only premise of Formspring is that you can ask various contacts (be it your friends or your enemies) questions (be it openly or behind the convenient black screen of anonymity). It creates some pretty interesting results, let me put it that way. The idea of simply asking someone you know a basic question, such as "What's your favourite car?" goes out of the window once you realise that there's a hell of a lot more fun (and twatishness to be had). Some is good. Most is bad. It's probably a 10-90 split. I consider myself of a Formspring veteran now, and after browsing the site various times, it occurred to me that you can divide the types of questions up into 3 main categories. This is how it is:

1. Compliments and nice friendly questions. 
To be honest, these are pretty boring to read on someone else's profile, but it's always nice to be sent a question/statement that actually contains some form of good intention. It's ever so slightly depressing to see 'your so pretty' on some year 11 girl's formspring, but hey, grammar aside, at least they tried? (RHYMING WIN) This is the best side of Formspring that you'll be able to see. It's pleasant, it's light hearted, and unfortunately it's littered with the half-arsed compliments of illiterate bastards. Alas, it's not really all that interesting. Not bad.

2. Abuse/aggression/hate
I've got to be a bit careful with what I say here. I'd like to think that my fundamental morals for surviving the wonderfully crafted bitch of a game that we like to call 'life' are still intact. But, I can't help but feel as though some of the most entertaining reading to be found on Formspring is through abuse. I never send out abusive comments, and I don't condone doing so, and I'm perfectly aware of the fact that it's mean to find fun from other people's hurtful comments (and the subsequent responses) but honestly, some cases just have to be seen to be believed. 99% of the abuse received on Formspring, as far as I can tell, is directed at females of the age bracket '12-16' who are generally considered to be popular and/or attractive. It's basically just a combination of jealousy, boredom and aggression coming together to form some kind of eloquently written point, such as 'u r such slag'. That's a quote, boys and girls. Take note now - if you don't want to be judged by me and various other people, please at least listen a little tiny bit in English lessons. Yes, I know it's not fun, but for God's sake you're English and not some scrawny little invalid troll. Thank you.  But anyway, Formspring hate is hilarious. It's never well articulated enough to actually be hurtful, so it just ends up being a drawn out, pathetic little argument that makes bystanders like me laugh, and shits on the Queen's English.

3. Spam
Spam spam spam spam spam spam spam. Spam. I can't stand it. Otherwise known as 'mass-messages',  spam on Formspring comes in the form of generic, poorly written questions that are almost completely devoid of purpose and are completely devoid of any wit, that are sent to every contact on said spammer's 'following' list. What a royal pain in my arse they are. What the fucking hell is the point in sending everyone 'I love you', when it's plain and clear to see that through your whorish, frenzied compliments, you're actually proving that you've either: A) Got a massive problem with your life and you're a bit of a prick, or B) Your heart has an unmitigated, unrivalled capacity to truly love everyone that you know, with genuine feeling. It's 'A', surprisingly. Their are so many examples of spam/mass messages that I've experienced, that I wish I could show you them all. Instead, I'll point you politely in the direction of my Formspring profile, and welcome you to ask ANY questions you like. Compliments? Abuse? Spam? Incomprehensible gobbledigook? Yes please, why the hell not. Anything to have an excuse to write a bit more, in my usual raging way. And because I'm so kind (why are you shaking your head...?!), I'll show you a delightful taster of my most recent bit of spam. Let's just say that I was in a bit of a bad mood...

Question
who would be the one who is to fat? who would be the one who is to skinny? who is the one who pisses every one off? whos the one who gets off every weekend? any you know what might fir to any of these?


Answer
Righty ho 'wanker', which is what I'm calling you from now on for reasons of poor first impression. I'd like to think that you'd be the one who's fat. I've never seen you, and I don't even know whether you're a boy or a girl (nor do I care), so I can't even begin to know details of your body weight. However, because I find you, 'wanker', incredibly irritating (perhaps this is a trait you've possessed since birth) I would like to assign as many negative traits to you as possible. With 'fat' being a derogatory term, and you actually giving me the opportunity to lightly insult you through asking me, I'll go ahead and say that you'd be fat. Next up. Pisses everyone off? Step right up 'wanker', it wouldn't surprise me if you pissed everyone off, because you've sure as hell done a damn decent job pissing little old me off already - a solid performance. All I need to do is use common sense to extrapolate this results of annoyance, and hey presto, you DEFINITELY have the potential to piss everyone off. That'll be you again then. Who 'gets off' every weekend? Well, this is rather ambiguous, as you could easily be referring to somebody getting off a method of public transport, ie a train or a bus. I'm giving you examples of public transport under the assumption that you really are as fucking brain-dead as you've initially come across to me. Whoops, I'm just being deliberately pedantic and a bit of a prick - maybe we'd get on well then...? No, no we wouldn't. If you think we may get on well, please start reading this again and pay particular attention to the tone in which I am addressing you, twat. Did that help? Good. Anyhow, back to the question. To be honest I think that you'd get off with someone every weekend too. Oh, but before you think I'm praising you, 'wanker', this is under the proviso that the action involves some form of animal (preferably ill and/or decrepit) or a member of your family (preferably dead). Thanks for your well thought out questions. Because I'm such a jolly kind fellow, I'll give you some tips for the future, so you can spam to your heart's content like the retarded little shit-pile of a person you are:

1. Clean up your overall grammar
2. Somehow, as soon as possible, become interesting to at least the tiniest of degrees
3. Fuck off

I hope to speak to you soon, 'wanker' <<<(lie)

Thanks for reading this ridiculously long post. I felt as though I owed you a long, painful experience, after my recent lack of activity.

As I promised: http://www.formspring.me/Benjo6