Things I've Thunk: Inc. Wales and Cher Lloyd - Swagger Jagger

• Wales' wildly inconsistent patterns of weather are deeply unsettling. "Excellent, it's bright and sunny out; fancy a walk?" "Yeah sure, that's a great idea. Let's go." "Actually, no, fuck that shit. It's raining cunting cats and dogs now. Bugger that." This conversation never actually happened, but it's a pretty darn realistic example of the kind of dialogue you'd hear if you were eavesdropping on a conversation I was participating in. This is for two simple reasons. A) The weather's atrociously indecisive in terms of what it wants to be doing. B) I'm a bit of a swearoholic, for which I'm sorry. God damn I love authenticity.
• For a long time now I've despaired at the atrocity that is the UK top 40. Rock music rarely succeeds, with auto-tuned, uninspired tripe tending to prevail. This is exactly why Cher Lloyd has shot straight to number one with her debut single; 'cause believe me, it's tripe alright. Swagger Jagger does so much wrong, it's actually quite difficult to write about the extent of its, well, shitness. In fact, I don't want to describe this song in much detail at all. Y'see, I'm not actually much of a fan of vomiting myself into a state of soggy paralysis. I honestly think this song gives Rebecca Black's Friday a run for its money - a statement that says everything you need to know about the overall quality of Cher Lloyd's Swagger Jagger. Unless there's been a massive spike in the demand for torture music, I can't for the life of me understand why people would actually pay to listen to this dump in download form (or a single CD, if you're the kind of person that prefers to listen to and get hands on with physical faeces). Enough is enough.
• Saving money is a piece of piss. Went to a car boot sale in Swansea earlier in the week, and bought myself Season 8 of Family Guy for a quid. Later in the day I was browsing in HMV, and found Season 8 of Family Guy for £30. Fuck yes. That is all.
• I'm obsessed with pocket watches. Why, you ask? Because I'm delusionally posh in the worst way. I'm not posh, but I am. See what I mean? No? Me neither. I ordered a cheap-o one for a fiver from some lovely chaps in Hong Kong, and I've been in love ever since - not with the one I actually purchased, that is. I'm dying for a proper little pocket watch. The main stumbling block is the issue of cash. Browsing through the UK's number one pocket watch retailer's website taught me that a CHEAP pocket watch will set me back around 50 squids. That's a lot of seafood. On the one hand that makes me realise how much of a good deal my steam-punk style Hong Kong born brandless model was, but at the same time, it further made me realise how much I'd love to own a swish beast of high class and value; 'cause I'm a prick like that.